A collection of sarcastic obituaries ripped from the deadlines.
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Posted onDecember 20, 2024byJim Earl
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花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted on科技上网工具app下载byJim Earl
“I will never apologize for the United States — I don’t care what the facts are.”
George H. W. Bush, a man so dishonest and racist he even offended Roger Stone, is now spending the afterlife in a Bosch painting performing a ventriloquist act with Augusto Pinochet’s crow-emitting anus.
Those at the scene recalled the former president’s final words as, ”Read my lips: no CPR.”
Totally bereft, son Jeb refused to accept the physician’s decision until he forced a feeding tube down his father’s throat.
Bush’s term as president was defined by his quick response to Saddam Hussein’s 1990 invasion of Kuwait when he assembled an impressive international coalition of 35 soldiers, two trucks and a rake.
To honor the deceased, President Trump called for a national day of mourning and closed Wall Street, a fitting tribute to the man whose son shut down the economy for 10 years.
Trump also decreed government agencies fly Old Glory at half-staff- as soon as he received a new shipment of flags from China.
The 94 year-old Bush, who lived longer than any previous U.S. war criminal, is survived by his immediate loved-ones: a son named Marvin nobody talks about, MSNBC and CNN, FOX News, Oliver North, the Saudi royal family, and Ellen’s glass coffee table.
Bush requested his remains be grabbed by the ass after someone asks his corpse who his favorite magician is.
Oh, and Dan Quayle.
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Posted in 科技上网工具app下载 |Tagged Dan Quayle, Ellen, 科技上网工具app下载, Iran Contra, Iraq War, obituary, Oliver North, war criminal |科技上网工具app下载
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted onAugust 28, 2018byJim Earl
John McCain, the man who came close to giving Sarah Palin the presidency with one defective beat of his freeze-dried heart, just left a big, steaming bag of dog crap on America’s doorstep in the form of Donald Trump and the Tea Party.
A family spokesman said the deceased died surrounded by loved ones, 8 to 11 houses, and over 228 million Americans who can’t afford a $1,000 emergency.
Responding to the news with the predictable, gushy, effusive, sap-laden horse shit, both sides of the aisle praised the 35 years of public-service McCain spent courageously receiving the kind of medical care he fought so hard to deprive millions of desperate Americans.
When reached for comment, a bug-eyed Steve Schmidt was still breathing through his mouth and dropping his “T”swhile Rachel Maddow teared up, bit her bottom lip, and tapped her pen for schmaltzy emphasis.
Sources say family members are consoling themselves with the thought that “John is now up in heaven where he can comfortably watch American troops spend an eternity in Iraq.”
A warrior to the end, McCain recently found the strength to thrust a final dagger into the dying Democratic party by telling Joe Biden to “stay in politics.”
Never one to shy away from criticizing his own party when it could make him look good, the straight talker had this to say about the Trump presidency: “I’m concerned about the state of the country.” You’d really think a war vet who unleashed Sarah Palin on the world might be more adept at anticipating danger.
A maverick himself, President Trump decided to cancel the tradition of flying the White House flag at half-staff after someone told him it wasn’t a tribute to the dead possum on his head.
In a final nod to his celebrated Naval career, McCain requested he be allowed to crash his funeral five times.
McCain’s love for the Navy was so intense, he even reenlisted during his 2008 presidential campaign to serve on the USS Swift Boat.
Reflecting from his deathbed, the senator confessed his biggest regret in life was never weighing in on why DJ Khaled refuses to eat pussy.
After voting for the president’s agenda 83 percent of the time, the deceased ordered in characteristic mavericky manner that President Trump not be allowed to attend his funeral. To which a weary country sighed, “Like the Bush family’s better?”
Memorial services for the deceased will be announced once the undertaker can build the danged coffin!
At McCain’s request, the service will include a rendition of ’Danny Boy’ sung by opera singer Renee Fleming. This is to be followed by a short set from the remaining members of“The Keating 5 Combo” with Sheldon Adelson taking Al Cranston’s place on drums, Hank Kissinger filling in for John Glenn on vibes, and Oleh Tyahnybok taking McCain’s place on percussion, hand claps and swastika.
McCain’s remains will lie in state in the Arizona Capitol before flip-flopping to the U.S. Capitol Rotunda and triangulating into a hole at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis.
UPDATE:
Plans for Sarah Palin to deliver the eulogy had to be canceled after a nationwide search failed to find a translator.
Partial List of Mavericky Pallbearers:
National Right to Life Committee
JPMorgan Chase & Co
Raytheon
Sheldon Adelson
Christian Coalition
Lockheed Martin
Goldman Sachs
Citigroup
AT&T
General Electric
Bank of America
FedEx Corp
PricewaterhouseCoopers
High-yield junk bonds
BUY THE DISGUSTING BOOK AND HELP KEEP ME ALIVE: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged DJ Khaled, Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Iraq War, John McCain, Keating Five, Lockheed Martin, maverick, Raytheon, Sarah Palin, Swift Boat, US Navy, Vietnam War |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted on老王科学的上网工具下载byJim Earl
My fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
And now our coalition of Earth’s natural elements is engaged in securing and deconstructing her cell structure. The tyrant has fallen. And Kennebunkport, Maine, is now free from her brooding presence at Mabel’s Clam Shack.
As Jesus once said: “No one can escape the relentless grab-ass of death.” And so, Barbara (Pierce) Bush, a First Lady whose main claim to fame was allowing two war criminals in and out of her bat-filled sniz, is now playing host to more beneficial parasites.
Miss Barbara Pierce first met George Herbert Walker Bush in college and soon after they married. She later said George was the first man she ever kissed without reading his lips about no new taxes.
Indeed, Mrs. Bush’s casual, down-to-earth manner soon earned her the label of “America’s grandmother” from those in the Bush administration. It’s not clear who they considered “America’s grandfather,” but I’m thinking maybe Joseph Goebbels.
Bereaved family members are consoling themselves with the thought that the deceased is now up in heaven getting confused for the Quaker Oats guy.
The deceased requested her remains be interred in the family fetus jar.
BUY THE DISGUSTING BOOK AND HELP KEEP ME ALIVE: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Barbara Bush, 科技上网工具下载安装, George H. W. Bush, George W. Bush, Iraq War, ISIS, 科学上上网工具下载, Terrorism, war criminal |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted onApril 3, 2017byJim Earl
(animation by Martha Previte)
Robert Hulseman, Inventor of the now ubiquitous red beverage holder, is dead after drinking a 16-once cup of trucker urine he thought was last night’s beer. He is survived by daughters Patricia and Margaret, who both happen to be D-cups.
Hulseman was born in 1932 in Chicago and as a teenager contracted polio. The experience affected him so profoundly he made a pledge that if he ever recovered, he’d create a red plastic cup.
Introduced in the mid-1970s, the Solo Cup quickly became the receptacle of choice for growing pot seedlings and getting teenagers drunk enough to put their penises inside apples pies, something the devout Christian was probably thrilled about.
Over the the years, the inventor was known for his generosity and devotion to the Catholic church. Translation: he gave them a bunch of fucking cups.
In 2005, the New York Museum of Modern Art added a Solo Cup Traveler’s Lid to its permanent collection, mostly out of concern that modern art didn’t already have a bad enough reputation.
And in 2011 his red cup was immortalized in a Toby Keith song. Which I have no jokes about because I refuse to listen to it.
Hulseman was preceded in death by his devoted wife Sheila, whose coffin lid was designed to accommodate extra foam and reduce dribbling at the rim.
BUY THE DISGUSTING BOOK AND HELP KEEP ME ALIVE: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Catholic church, 上网科学工具pc端下载, plastic cup, Red Solo Cup, Robert Hulseman, Toby Keith, traveler's lid |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
用电脑科学免费上网December 16, 2016by科技上网工具app下载
BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
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Posted in Uncategorized |科技上网工具app下载 Big Mac, Big Mac Inventor, diabetes, heart disease, McDonald's, Michael Delligatti, Ronald McDonald, special sauce, stroke |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted onDecember 5, 2016by上网科学工具app下载
Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.
Ettinger first came up with the idea for cryonics in World War II during the Battle of the Bulge when he saw a bunch of frozen bodies and thought, “I can make money off of that, sure.”
BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
For its services, the Cryonics Institute charges customers $28,000. But if you bring your own tin foil, “5 bucks.”
The first person Ettinger deposited at the Institute was his mother, Rhea. This was followed by ten years of Ettinger depositing her Social Security checks.
He also froze the bodies of his two wives, Mae and Elaine. They’re stored next to a sign reading, “WARNING – Do Not Open.”
Ettinger’s last wishes were to someday be brought back to life as a 92 year-old man with a lot of really serious health problems.
BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Cryonics, Death, frozen head, hot dogs, immortal, Robert Ettinger |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
Posted onDecember 3, 2016byJim Earl
Nancy Reagan, the controlling, pill-popping child-beating matriarch of a sick, fucked-up family who regularly stole Valium and diuretics from each other; and proud wife to a president who once declared ketchup a vegetable before ultimately becoming one, is now dead of complications resulting from a “ruptured Gipper.” Or in medical terms: congestive heartless failure.
BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published
in this blog.)
According to witnesses, moments after she fell ill Nancy uttered her last words: “Fire the fucking astrologer.”
When reached for comment, friend Tom Brokaw ignored most of the facts and said something insultingly stupid.
Reagan redefined the role of First Lady, taking on such important responsibilities as ignoring AIDS, hoarding flower vases and criminalizing entire neighborhoods of black people.
But perhaps her greatest challenge came the day Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. For now at long last, she finally had the complete control needed to exact obsessive revenge fantasies upon her empty, flesh-robot husband as partial payback for all those years her stepdad withheld the love she was never emotionally equipped to receive to begin with. But, she was a snazzy dresser!
After her husband’s death, Nancy took on the role of vigilant caretaker for his legacy at the Reagan Library, where she could often seen dusting off “the book.”
Family members can console themselves with the thought that Nancy’s now up in heaven, still refusing to help Rock Hudson get treatment.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged addiction, 科技上网工具下载安装, First Lady, 上网科学工具app下载, Rock Hudson, Ronald Reagan, Tom Brokaw, valium |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
上网科学工具pc端下载September 19, 2016byJim Earl
Jan Crouch, who 43 years ago co-founded the world’s largest Christian television network with nothing more than a pocket full of hope, hair resembling the helmet Rick Moranis wore is Spaceballs, and $30,000 in fraudulently secured donations, is now crouching sideways six-feet under a praying mantis.
Crouch reportedly died of a stroke. When reached for comment a spokesman for the network refused to return a phone call because there wasn’t any money involved.
Jan Bethany first met Paul Crouch, her future husband, in the mid 1950s. An occurrence many atheists cite as the only real proof Satan exists.
After struggling in ministries in South Dakota and Michigan, the couple decided to move to Los Angeles in the early 1960s after a source tipped them off that Jed Clampett might be a good mark.
As the years passed, it was clear their union was a Christian match made in heaven: a minister’s daughter, whose dogs live in a $100,000 motor home, married to a pastor who’s fucking the male employees.
The Crouch Trinity Broadcasting Network was touch and go at first. But by the late 1980s their telethons raised more money than Jerry Lewis’ muscular dystrophy telethons, mainly because the couple looked like they needed more medical help.
Crouch’s last request was that her network continue stealing from low-income Americans.
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科学上上网工具下载 Uncategorized |Tagged Christian television network, Jan Crouch, Jesus, Jimmy Dore Show, Paul Crouch, Satan, TBN, televangelism, Trinity Broadcasting Network |Leave a comment
花猫加速器mac下载-雷霆vqn加速官网
科技上网工具下载安装September 10, 2016byJim Earl
Phyllis Schlafly, the conservative icon who proved by example that women can be huge assholes too, is now dead after doing all the damage she could possibly do in 92 years.
A champion of traditional, stay-at-home roles for women, Schlafly ran for public office twice, wrote 27 books, and never stayed at home. Plus, her son’s gay.
Schlafly once declared that married women “can’t get raped” because by marrying, a woman has consented to sex. And by marrying Bill Cosby, a woman has also consented to a lifetime of wondering what the hell is in her drink.
At the age of 24, the struggling librarian “consented to sex” with a man from a wealthy banking family, allowing her to take on the traditional role of a hypocrite marrying for money.
A vocal Trump supporter, Schlafly said she didn’t think a female should be president because, quote, “Our greatest presidents have all been men.” Which pretty much is the same as saying, “Our greatest men have all been men.”
But in the end, Schlafly’s most cogent and valid argument against giving women equal rights was her very existence. And so she died.
Mrs. Schlafly is survived by six children. So I guess she really loved a “deep consenting.” Plus, her son’s gay.
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged 用电脑科学免费上网, conservatism, Equal Rights Amendment, ERA, 用电脑科学免费上网, 科技上网工具下载安装, rape |Leave a comment
Future Obituary – Ted Cruz, Canadian Sausage, Pitchman For Snot
Posted onSeptember 4, 2016byJim Earl
Ted Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after forty-five years of poorly imitating human life.
His daughter reportedly found the Republican presidential candidate in their home, drowning in a bathtub filled with his own cooties.
Roger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after learning Steve Doocy got to feel up Megyn Kelly without his permission.
Born in the cretaceous era, Roger Ailes grew up in the small factory town of Warren, Ohio, where the ambitious youth hoped to one day follow in the footsteps of his abusive father.
As a boy he was often hospitalized for what doctors first thought was hemophilia. They later determined the real cause was that his blood was just too creeped out to stay inside him.
Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory” of sensationalist television which he summed up as quote, “You have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit. Who do you think is going to be on the evening news? And who do you think will get to extort blowjobs and rape underage models?”
Ailes’ resignation at FOX came within days of Debbie Wasserman Schultz stepping down as DNC chairwoman, which begs the question: “Have you ever seen these two together?”
In response, Ailes called Carlson’s suit, “retaliatory for the network’s decision not to renew her contract after she refused to fuck me and anyone I told her to fuck.”
Ailes wasn’t just a powerhouse media consultant and television executive. He also had a sensitive side and liked to experiment with poetry. One favorite was this gem he’d regularly recite to the delight of new interns:
“You know if you want to play with the big boys,
You have to lay with the big boys.” (mic drop)
Dedicated to his beloved business until he very end, Ailes’ last words of wisdom were reserved for his nurse:
“If you want to make it in the TV business, you’re going to have to fuck me. And you’re going to have to fuck anyone I tell you to fuck. Now fetch my diaper.”
Burial arrangements haven’t been made yet because Ailes had to fire his undertaker for refusing to fuck his dead body.
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged blow jobs, FOX News, Gretchen Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Roger Ailes, sexual harassment, Steve Doocy |Leave a comment
Antonin Scalia: The Poor Man’s Robert Bork
老王科学的上网工具下载February 26, 2016byJim Earl
Antonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes.
Cause of death was undetermined, but the legal consensus is the universe had “just cause” to terminate his life.
Scalia died at a west Texas hunting ranch run by members of the International Order of St. Hubert, Patron saint of hunters, of whom Scalia was the most prominent member who could no longer find his member.
St. Hubert’s martyrdom is a particularly inspiring tale of struggle and faith. After his tormentors stuffed him with a devilishly mouthwatering selection of Pork Loin in a bed of Guava and Plum Sauce followed by Almond Mole Chicken, Viceroy’s Cake and a delicious homemade ice cream, Hubert barely had the strength to cross the spacious veranda and make it back to his complementary luxury quarters where he quickly fell onto a plush pillow-topped bed and succumbed to the demonic enticement of a gentle sleep.
St. Hubert is also the patron saint of metal workers and smelters. And right now Scalia isn’t smelting very good.
Responding quickly to the news, President Obama ordered all flags to be flown at “half caring.”
The president went on to reassure an alarmed nation that “now all we have to do is wait for half of Congress to drop dead.”
Those who knew him say Scalia was a man of varied tastes, with a fondness for poker, opera, and forcing poison through the veins of innocent people on death row.
Funeral services for his body included a ten-hour repose in the Supreme Court building not far from where Clarence Thomas has been sleeping for the last twenty-six years.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Contstitution, death penalty, Order of St. Hubert, originalism, Supreme Court, Texas hunting ranch |科学上上网工具下载
Though the occupation is over, officials warn the refuge still has to remain closed for several months out of concern many of the buildings may be “poopy trapped.”
Posted in 用电脑科学免费上网 |老王科学的上网工具下载 blue tarp, Clivan Bundy, LaVoy Finicum, Malheur Wildlife Refuge, Oregon militia, trench full of human feces |Leave a comment
Dr. Wayne Dyer, Former Catholic School Driver’s-Ed Instructor
Posted onSeptember 1, 2015byJim Earl
Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned motivational guru and one of the bestselling authors of all time, died Saturday after 75 tedious years of enduring his own bullshit.
The cause of death was not immediately disclosed, although it probably had something to do with the universe finally mastering the art of manifesting its incredible force by killing somebody.
When reached for comment, friend Tony Robbins said his death was, “But a transition: from the living, to the mystical realm of probate and estate division.”
The author, whose title of “Doctor” held less validity than the title of “Skipper” did on Gilligan’s Island, was found “dead not dying with the music still in him.”
Last year, Mind Body Spirit magazine ranked Dyer as the eighth most spiritually influential person in the world after Mickey Mouse and Hitler.
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Adolf Hitler, Dr. Wayne Dyer, 科学上上网工具下载, Oprah Winfrey, personal fulfillment, 上网科学工具app下载, self help, 科技上网工具app下载, universe |科学上上网工具下载
Rudy R. Perz, Creator of The Pillsbury Doughboy
Posted onApril 20, 2015byJim Earl
Advertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick.
Upon hearing the news, Liz Nordlie, President of Pillsbury, released a statement saying, “We paid that man off years ago. We owe him nothing.”
Under pressure to produce a mascot representing bleached flower, thiamin mononitrate sodium acid pyrophosphate aluminum and yeast, Perz created his first three-dimensional Doughboy doll of clay in 1965 at the cost of $16,000, or roughly what you’d pay a surgeon to remove half your large intestine.
The pudgy man of dough became such a hit, it was once cited by Brian Wilson as the main motivation behind releasing “Pet Sounds.”
To distinguish the Doughboy from the actual rolls of dough, Perz gave it a blush, a scarf, a chef’s hat, two big blue eyes and a warm chuckle. As for the penis, it gets amputated every time you slam the can against a kitchen table.
When the first doughboy was filmed using stop-motion, it came as a shock to many rural Pennsylvanians who assumed it was the ghost of Rick Santorum’s dead fetus.
His chuckle of “Hee hee!” when poked in the stomach became his trademark, after other catch phrases were rejected including, “No please no!” when someone bit off his head, and “What the, huh?” when repeatedly poked in the ass.
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged 科技上网工具下载安装, bleached flower, Leo Burnett, Pillsbury Doughboy, Poppin' Fresh, Rick Santorum, 老王科学的上网工具下载 |Leave a comment
Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man and Full-Flavored Smoke
Posted on用电脑科学免费上网byJim Earl
Darrell Winfield, one of the most recognizable Marlboro Men, primarily because he was the only one who lived long enough to get recognized, is dead after a prolonged illness that probably started 50 years ago.
Although he lived to the relatively old age of 85, doctors still caution that had he not smoked, he could have made it to 300.
Asked what life might have been like if he hadn’t become the Marlboro Man, Winfield answered plainly: Life would have basically been the same. But without all that money and pussy. And all those cars and the four houses. And all that pussy.
Friends described him as a “man’s man,” who just liked working on his ranch every day, lighting cigarettes and crouching a lot. And then of course there was all that pussy.
Winfield was so authentic, he often provided the cattle and horses that appeared in the commercials. They all have lung cancer now.
Winfield requested his remains be lit on fire with a burning twig and marketed to children.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged cancer, 上网科学工具pc端下载, commercials, Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man, smoking |Leave a comment
Melvin Gordon, CEO Of Tootsie Roll
Posted onApril 2, 2015byJim Earl
Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky, brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months.
The first Tootsie Roll was produced way back in 1896 by Brooklyn inventor Leo Hirschfield. Twenty-five years later he committed suicide by shooting himself in the stomach. That’s not a joke.
In 1988 Tootsie Roll became the world’s largest maker of lollipops, branching out with such popular candies as Sugar Daddy, Junior Mints, Dubble Bubble, Wack-o-Wax, Junior Daddy, Wack-o-Bubble, Dubble Mints Daddy Wax, Masonic Ditty-Dots, Razzles’ Chocolate-Covered Fur Nips, and Crunchy Caramel Dingle-Berry Daddy Dudds with Zinc.
The Tootsie Roll company now produces 64 million Tootsie Rolls a day. Experts calculate that if every Tootsie Roll ever produced were placed end-to-end, it would be the setup to a good joke.
Confectioners agree the most famous Tootsie Roll ad, “How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” may never be answered. But perhaps the most pertinent question facing science is why it always tastes like a cardboard anus.
The real answer to the lick question, the company writes on its website, “Depends on a variety of factors such as the size of your mouth, the amount of saliva, and how much of your pancreas is still working.”
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged candy, diabetes, Junior Mints, Leo Hirschfield, Melvin Gordon, saliva, Sugar Daddy, Tootsie Roll |Leave a comment
Future Obit – Camille Cosby: Lead Accountant at Cosby Enterprises Inc.
Posted onMarch 24, 2015byJim Earl
Camille Cosby, one of the few select females ever allowed to naturally fall asleep around her husband, is dead after collapsing face-down in a bowl of pudding and drowning in a sea of JELL-O™ lies.
When reached for comment, her husband could only utter a half-hearted “Hey hey hey” followed by an equally tepid, “Greeza-maza hahahaha!”
Camille Olivia Hanks first met William Cosby in 1963 on a blind date. “Blind” because she blacked out after the first ten minutes.
The two married less than a year later. Back then it was a simpler time, she later recalled, when the only way you could drug a woman was to apply a homeopathic blister of cantharides and cataplasms to her feet, perhaps supplemented by wheat poultices upon the neck along with a hot tonic mixture of molasses, butter and vinegar, quickly followed up with a vinegar and sage tea for gargling, or more commonly, a tartar emetic.
Just like her husband’s first sitcom “The Bill Cosby Show,” their fifty-year marriage was unique among celebrity relationships as it did not use a laugh track. Although Vic Tayback did star as Calvin the mechanic.
The deceased leaves behind more than 20 assault victims “whom many in the media have given a pass” and weren’t properly “vetted.”
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Bill Cosby, 科技上网工具app下载, Jello, pudding, rape |Leave a comment
Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster
Posted onFebruary 16, 2015byJim Earl
Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead.
Still grieving, his daughters refused to accept their father’s demise, and instead referred to it as “Enhanced death.”
As a youth growing up in Wyoming, the plucky Cheney quickly showed his mettle by earning five military deferments and two DWIs.
He subsequently flunked out of Yale twice, inspiring his later Congressional vote against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education.
In 2011, Cheney published his biography “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” in which he described himself as “the most powerful President in American History.”
Over the years he had five heart attacks, at least seven cardiovascular procedures and bypasses involving stents, grafting and implants, and at one point, was outfitted with an artificial blood pump leaving him without a pulse for a year and a half – but still, he never got a dinner.
The deceased requested his remains be buried next to proof of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs so nobody can ever find them.
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Adolf Hitler, cigarettes, Dick Cheney, Fascism, heart transplant, Iraq War, Saddam Hussein, vampires, Yale |Leave a comment
S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A
Posted on用电脑科学免费上网byJim Earl
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014
S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy.
Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the exact cause explaining, “It would take too long to list all the ingredients.”
Truett Cathy is credited with inventing the first fast-food chicken sandwich. It may not sound like much, but it sure beats taking the rap for a series of mysterious smothering deaths in the early ‘50s.
In 1964, Cathy presented First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson, with a Chick-fil-A sandwich during her visit to Georgia. One year later 2,000 American soldiers died in Vietnam. Coincidence?
The devout Southern Baptist became famous for closing his stores on Sundays so employees could spend more time at home with their families, and in the process, learn to hate life.
The company’s official statement of corporate purpose says that the business exists, “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us. And to make him really fat.”
Interesting Funtoid: The chain’s advertising slogan, “Eat mor chikin,” contains the deliberately misspelled words “more” and “chicken” so they can legally get around actually offering customers “more” “chicken.”
Cathy requested his body be breaded and de-boned, and his soft, white buns delicately buttered and garnished with nothing more than a couple of pickles.
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged buns, Chick-fil-A, 科技上网工具下载安装, chicken nuggets, chicken sandwich, fast food, 用电脑科学免费上网, homophobia, meat glue, S. Truett Cathy, Southern Baptist, the South |用电脑科学免费上网
科技上网工具下载安装
Posted on科学上上网工具下载byJim Earl
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014
Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants.
The doll boasted 21 moving parts, including a pair of flexible shoulders John McCain would one day come to envy.
But the Vietnam War raged on and interest in the dolls waned. And sadly, parents soon discovered that when they brought their G.I. Joes home, there were no parades.
As the public shied away from military-related toys, Hasbro countered with the popular “Upper GI Joe,” whose main talent was being able to avoid combat due to digestive problems.
Levine requested his body be laid to rest on a mattress of Kleenex tissues crammed inside an old shoebox.
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老王科学的上网工具下载 Uncategorized |Tagged action figure, Don Levine, G.I. Joe, GIJoeCon, Hasbro, Korean War, toy soldiers, 科技上网工具app下载 |Leave a comment
老王科学的上网工具下载
老王科学的上网工具下载October 4, 2013byJim Earl
“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!”
Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm.
Born in 1920, Worthington grew up in the stark poverty of the Oklahoma Dust Bowl with no one to confide in but his dog “Sand.”
Things got so bad during the Depression, the young Worthington had to quit school and help support his family by selling babies to hobos.
During World War II, he flew 29 missions over Germany in a 1941 B-17 Flying Fortress. You know, a lot of times Boeing would register and sell a B-17 and for some reason the deal wouldn’t go through and now they’re stuck with a used plane when it’s only got a few miles on it. Look at it check it, here’s a dandy little bomber that’ll sell for about half what it’s worth new. This is where your friends are.
After the war, Worthington built a cult following into the biggest used-car dealership west of the Mississippi with his weird collection of freaky circus animals posing as pets. But to anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line, it was just another Tuesday.
The cause of death has not yet been determined, though experts speculate he may have been suffering from feline AIDS.
His ad campaigns were so popular, the phrase “Go see Cal” became part of the vocabulary of every Southern Californian. And once they read the full lease agreement, so did the phrase “Go see a lawyer.”
By 1979, Worthington was worth hundreds of millions of dollars. It was at this point he decided to divorce his wife Barbara and trade her in for a newer model with bigger headlights.
You can find Cal Worthington’s memorial off the 405 Freeway at 2850 Bellflower Blvd. in Long Beach. All he asks is that you see his grave first. Come on down. It’s just a big ‘ol giant, friendly supermarket of death. He’s got acres and acres and acres of death. Casket’s open till midnight every night. See ya here!
BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: http://www.createspace.com/3721076
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用电脑科学免费上网
Posted onAugust 16, 2013byJim Earl
Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.
Ettinger first came up with the idea for cryonics in World War II during the Battle of the Bulge when he saw a bunch of frozen bodies and thought, “I can make money off of that, sure.”
For its services, the Cryonics Institute charges customers $28,000. But if you bring your own tin foil, “5 bucks.”
The first person Ettinger deposited at the Institute was his mother, Rhea. This was followed by ten years of Ettinger depositing her Social Security checks.
He also froze the bodies of his two wives, Mae and Elaine. They’re stored next to a sign reading, “WARNING – Do Not Open.”
Ettinger’s last wishes were to someday be brought back to life as a 92 year-old man with a lot of really serious health problems.
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Cryonics, Cryonics Institute, Cryopreservation, hot dogs, Robert Ettinger, Social Security, World War II |2 Comments
John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel
Posted onMay 20, 2013byJim Earl
John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased.
Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy.
It was way back at the tender age of 23 that the ambitious Galardi looked at the glut of hamburger stands in his neighborhood and decided to carve out a niche with his “trademark wiener.”
In 1961, Galardi opened up his first restaurant with little more than a pocket full of gumption and the maximum percentage of FDA-allowed insect parts and rat snouts.
Over the years, the chain became famous for its advertising mascot, an animated hot dog who runs screaming from anyone asking to know his real ingredients.
Memorable ad campaigns included the slogans, “DER Fun Since ‘61,” “We’re DERlicious,” and the ill-conceived, “Our Bites Are Macht Fried.”
Wiener factoid: Did you know approximately 17 billion hot dogs are eaten in the United States every year? That’s about 75 for every man, woman and tumor.
Galardi requested his remains be ground into a spicy paste, packed into a tubular, transparent casing, and buried deep within his wife’s buns.
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Posted onApril 5, 2013byJim Earl
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2013
The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foil cover.
Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum filtered cigarette with the slogan, “Come To Where The Flavor Is. And Then Forget Where You Are Because Now You Have Alzheimer’s.”
An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.
A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, “Don’t forget who wears the foil hat at this company!”
Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.
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Posted in 科学上上网工具下载 |Tagged Aluminium foil, Alzheimer's disease, Business, David Reynolds, Health, Materials, Reynolds, United States |Leave a comment
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012
Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.”
When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and asked how much the MRI machine weighed.
Witnesses who found his body were heard to exclaim, “Oh my gosh!” and “Holy cow!”
Doctors refused to reveal any more details about his death other than to say “he probably won’t be getting amazed by anything anymore.”
Friends say Howser probably could have survived longer had he not taken so much time out from chemotherapy to do a month-long series on lint.
Family members are consoling themselves with the thought that Howser and his microphone are now up in heaven, interviewing – aw who am I foolin’? He’s lost forever in the dark void of nothingness we’re all doomed to inhabit once our bodies succumb to the inevitable ravages of mortality. He went avocado picking with a DOG!
Howser requested a portion of his ashes be dumped into the great system of California aqueducts so his remains can trace the route the water follows through the huge pipes, tunnels, canals and pumping plants, and along the way meet the men and women who are carrying on the proud tradition of bringing water to Southern California. He went avocado picking with a DOG!
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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012
H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.
The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.
When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.
Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”
Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.
Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.
Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.
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科技上网工具下载安装
Posted onAugust 27, 2012byJim Earl
什么叫"科学上网" | 刷啊刷:为什么要科学上网。我要出去看大大世界，我要上google搜索资料，而不想被度娘广告摆布；我要在FACEBOOK上面和歪果仁交盆友，我要在telegram上面畅欲言，不怕群和河蟹。 今天小坑分享是一个用来科学上网工具。 你不知道什么叫“科学上网”，请自行Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants.
Porcello’s body was found face down in a vat of milk, his Nutter covered with Butter and Doo all over his Dad. Plus, he had cancer.
No one can confirm the true origin of the word “Oreo,” but many believe it was derived from the sound people make when they find out they need dialysis. “Ohhr-eo!”
Porcello invented many Nabisco snack products, including SnackWells, which are currently in danger of contamination due to Fracking.
In 2011, Nabisco tried selling Oreos to Poland, but it was too hard to ship them with the cream on the outside of the cookie.
Interesting fact: The moon is 238,855 miles away, right? Did you know if you stacked every Oreo ever made, one on top of the other, you’d first have to remove half of them from Elvis Presley’s impacted colon?
The deceased requested the top be carefully twisted off his coffin so that generations of children could gaze in wonder at his cream-filled kidneys.
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上网科学工具pc端下载 Uncategorized |Tagged cream filling, Doo Dads, Elvis Presley, Nabisco, Nutter Butters, Oreo, Poland, Sam Porcello, SnackWells |Leave a comment
Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control
Posted onJune 25, 2012byJim Earl
Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything.
Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove.
Small and frail, the elderly Polley alarmed family members late Tuesday night after getting lost in the couch. Medical examiners were quick to note dog-chew marks on Polley’s torso and a sticky film of hummus or something all over his face.
Invented in 1955, Polley’s Flash-Matic remote worked like a flashlight and was shaped like a snub-nosed revolver, something many Americans would later shove in their mouths after watching eight hours of shitty westerns.
Sadly, the 96 year-old died before he had a chance to finish his most important invention: a remote control for his diaper.
Polley’s family expect him to be buried sometime next week. That is, if anybody can get off their fat ass and stop watching TV long enough to do something.
Danny Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel restaurant, is now offering up his lowest priced meal to hungry travelers, this time in a pine box.
Evins named the Cracker Barrel after the practice of customers in Tennessee who gathered at country stores to gossip and play checkers on top of an empty barrel stuffed with dead civil rights workers.
After going public in 1981, the Cracker Barrel became a stock market darling with a certain investment sector. Unfortunately that sector dealt mainly with lap bands.
Year after year the restaurant won rave reviews in magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations. And year after year people would not read magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations.
In 1991 Evins ordered all his restaurants to fire employees “whose sexual preferences fail to demonstrate normal heterosexual values.” Ironically, the directive coincided with the introduction of his most popular southern confection to date, the “Lingam Pecan Log,” a fluffy, cherry-laced phallocentric nougat wrapped in fresh caramel and latex.
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Chain store, Cracker Barrel, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, 科技上网工具app下载, 用电脑科学免费上网, phallocentric, Restaurant, Tennessee |科技上网工具app下载
Windows PC客户端 小白科学上网教程:2021-1-2 · 1. 软件安装 Windows - ShadowsocksR 4.7.0 系统要求： Windows XP 及众上 设备要求： Windows 计算机 下载软件 导入节点设置 您可众登录管理后台“获取订阅链接” 点击复制订阅地址。
Posted onDecember 19, 2011by用电脑科学免费上网
Buy Mourning Remembrance, the book, here! Cover art by Tony Millionaire! Copiously illustrated by Nathan Smith! Introduction by Marc Maron! Afterword by Rachel Maddow!
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Kim Jong-il: Liz Taylor Fan, Billionaire Job-Creator
上网科学工具pc端下载December 19, 2011byJim Earl
Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who for 17 agonizing years revealed to the world the true nature behind most foreign film buffs, is now wearing a brown jumpsuit of dirt.
Jong-il reportedly died of a heart attack on a train while traveling between two popular famine areas.
During his reign, Kim Jong-il ruled over his citizens with a doughy fist, and was often referred to as the “Supreme Leader,” “our Father,” “Generalissimo,” and his favorite, “Fard Farkle.”
As he was groomed for office in the early 1990s, radio broadcasts started referring to him as “Dear Father,” instead of “Dear Leader,” suggesting he was either getting a promotion, or the country just wanted to borrow money for a date.
After taking power in 1994, he continued his father’s brutal policies and devoted much of his country’s scarce resources to building the world’s fifth-largest bouffant.
He leaves behind his three sons, Hwhy Did-hee Tek So-long Tu-di?, Du Tell, and Wut Da-hey!
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用电脑科学免费上网 Uncategorized |Tagged Adolf Hitler, bouffant, 上网科学工具app下载, Generalissimo, Joseph Stalin, Kim Jong-il, North Korea |Leave a comment
用电脑科学免费上网
Posted onNovember 28, 2011byJim Earl
Karl Slover, one of the last surviving munchkins from the film The Wizard of Oz, is now a friend of Dorothy’s undertaker.
Slover reportedly succumbed to a heart attack after he tripped on a bottle cap and fell into a cat bowl. The medical examiner listed the elderly Slover “dead at 93 -centimeters.”
In 1939, Slover was paid about $50 a week to act in The Wizard of Oz, or about “one quarter scale.”
Looking back, Slover always said it was important to live life to its half-fullest.
Never one to look down on an acting role, Slover once said, “There are no small parts, except on my body.”
Slover leaves behind a cigar box containing his bed.
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From The Archives: Daniel Ruge, President Reagan’s White House Physician
Posted on用电脑科学免费上网byJim Earl
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Daniel Ruge, the man chosen to be Ronald Reagan’s White House physician during his first term as president, has died from a ruptured gipper.
Early in his career, Ruge practiced medicine with First Lady Nancy Reagan’s stepfather, who taught him the family secrets of pre-death facial embalming.
After the 1981 assassination attempt on Reagan, Ruge remained at Reagan’s side and nursed him back to health with the president’s favorite vegetable dish: Baked Catsup.
Ruge never stayed for the 2nd term. He was asked to leave in 1984 after he gave the president a battery of diagnostic tests which declared him brain dead.
Dr. Ruge requested his body be dug up every year, examined by doctors, and declared fit enough to serve public office.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Daniel Ruge, gipper, 上网科学工具app下载, 老王科学的上网工具下载, Ronald Reagan |Leave a comment
From The Archives: Joseph L. Owades Inventor of Light Beer
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3Joseph L. Owades, the biochemist whose recipe for light beer achieved the impossible feat of making crappy beer even crappier, is now more stale than a Herman Cain pick-up line.
Fresh out of college, Owades got his first job researching for Fleischmann’s Yeast. Then he found out Fleischmann was one of his mom’s canasta friends and “Yeast” was another thing entirely.
When Miller Brewing Co. bought his process they marketed the new beer with the familiar “tastes great, less filling” jingle, replacing the less successful “Hey! You gotta chug twice as much of this crap to get a buzz!” jingle.
Over the years Owades wrote over 40 research papers on beer, all of them supporting the same thesis that he’s okay to drive and nobody understands him.
Owades requested his body be brewed into a tasteless yellow liquid and poured directly into the toilet to save time.
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科技上网工具下载安装 科技上网工具app下载 |Tagged beer, Beverages, Brewing, Herman Cain, Joseph Owades, light beer, Miller Brewing |Leave a comment
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3William Irwin Wolff, M.D., originator of the modern colonoscopy procedure now practiced in well-ventilated clinics around the world, has finally seen the murky light at the end of the long, disgusting tunnel.
After graduating from New York University in 1936, Wolff spent years pioneering the field of colonic investigation. Then he became a doctor.
He was the first to develop a safe method for examining the full length of the colon without having to first unhook it from the family Slip N’ Slide.
A dedicated intestinal surgeon, Wolff was known for diving headfirst into each procedure, barely stopping even to catch a breath. Friends say there was no impediment that could keep him from getting his hands dirty.
As president of the New York Surgical Society, Wolff published more than 120 scientific papers. All of them double-ply.
Wollf’s last request was that his sons might continue his legacy taint-free.
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Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3Elwood Perry, who in 1946 invented the Spoonplug fishing lure loved by millions of fishing enthusiasts, is now chum.
A true visionary, he was the first to see the real commercial potential behind the graphical user-interface. Especially when it was manufactured in Chinese sweat shops.
Among his many patents was the “Hockey-puck shaped mouse,” or as Chinese workers call it, “the only thing strong enough to snap my neck after securing the chord to an 8th floor railing so that I may leave this daily torture and finally taste the sweet relief that is death -mouse.”
Windows PC客户端 小白科学上网教程:2021-1-2 · 1. 软件安装 Windows - ShadowsocksR 4.7.0 系统要求： Windows XP 及众上 设备要求： Windows 计算机 下载软件 导入节点设置 您可众登录管理后台“获取订阅链接” 点击复制订阅地址。
Jobs’ last wish was for Apple Police to search the surrounding neighborhood in order to find out which one of his employees accidentally took home his liver.
This obit was made on a Mac.
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
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上网科学工具pc端下载 Uncategorized |Tagged Apple, Chinese sweat shops, Macintosh, Pioneers, Pluto, 用电脑科学免费上网, Thomas Edison, Zune |3 Comments
Arch West, Creator of Doritos
Posted on科技上网工具下载安装byJim Earl
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3Arch West, who 50 years ago took a warehouse full of cornmeal, MSG, and pork excretions, and turned it into the world’s first edible Superfund site, is now covered with an orange, crusty-coating of crispy death.
Doctors say dying was the only natural thing he did his whole life.
A company spokesperson denied West died while testing his latest creation, “Double-Fisted Kettle Cooked Carburetor-Cleaner Flavored Chips With Tangy Asbestos.”
Food historians say you can still find vintage examples of the first Doritos ever manufactured moldering inside Paul Sorvino’s intestinal gas pockets.
A humble man by nature, West often declined to take full credit for Doritos’ inception in 1961, instead giving most of it to NASA’s helpful staff of Nazi chemists.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3Ralph Edwards, the host and creator of “Truth or Consequences” and “This is Your Life,” two of the most popular shows in television history, has just created another hit, called “This is My Death.”
During the 1950’s, his shows were so popular, that a town in New Mexico re-named itself “Truth or Consequences.” Unfortunately the “truth” was that it was too close to a nuclear testing range, and the “consequences” were cancer.
Every installment of “This Is Your Life” started the same way. Edwards would surprise a hapless celebrity with the phrase “This is your life!” whereupon the celebrity would finally get the message his career was over.
Remaining active throughout his 92 years, Edwards also created such well-known shows as, “The People’s Court,” “Name That Tune,” “The People’s Consequences,” “Name That Court,” “The People’s Tune,” and “Truth Court Consequences Tune People’s Name The.”
Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Name That Tune, Ralph Edwards, The People’s Court, This is Your Life, Truth or Consequences, Truth or Consequences New Mexico |Leave a comment
From The Archives: Ruth Siems, Inventor of Stove Top Stuffing
Posted onSeptember 5, 2011by科技上网工具app下载
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster.
Stove Top Stuffing was first marketed by General Foods in March 1972, and proved to be so popular with the public, Nixon put it on his enemies list.
Easily prepared in just five minutes, Stove Top stuffing comes in a wide range of flavors, including “turkey,” “chicken,” “beef,” and “smelly uncle Harold.”
According to the official United States Patent description, Stove Top Stuffing’s secret lay in the crumb size. You see, if the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, people pay way too much attention to this kind of shit.
Siems requested her remains be toasted, crushed into eraser-sized lumps, and then rammed up the ass of a Butterball turkey so those cheap bastards at General Foods can finally taste the bitter revenge of a woman screwed out of 30 years of patent royalties.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Bread crumbs, cook, General Foods, Home, Ruth Siems, Stove Top Stuffing, Thanksgiving, United States |1 Comment
John Rice, the self-made Florida millionaire who at 2 feet, 10 inches, was one of the world’s shortest twins, has died after falling off a footstool.
Over the last 25 years, Rice and his equally small brother Greg became millionaires doing infomercials and acting in TV and film –you know, mostly shorts.
As news of Rice’s death spread, flags all around the state were lowered to one-quarter staff.
Rice’s brother asked that John be remembered as the indomitable optimist who always saw every glass as less than half full.
Rice is survived by his brothers, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy and Happy.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged celebrity dwarf, Florida, John Rice, Television |Leave a comment
Leo Kahn, Founder of Staples
Posted on上网科学工具app下载byJim Earl
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
Leo Kahn, founder of Staples and a pioneer in big-box retailing, is now a pioneer in pine-box decaying.
Kahn tragically died after a series of strokes. By the time doctors got to him, he was already canary yellow and covered with a unique, low-tack adhesive that allowed his body to be removed without leaving marks or residue –not unlike a pad of 3-inch square Post-it Brand notes. With prices like $2.99 for ten pads of 50 sheets each, it’s not hard to guess why this week is “Memo Mania Week”!
Kahn opened his first store in 1986 and offered every item you’d ever need in an office, from reams of copy paper to rape kits.
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Today the chain generates over $27 billion a year, primarily because it gives millions of employees something easy to steal while their souls are being crushed at bank jobs.
Kahn requested his internal organs be cushioned in bubble wrap and grouped in highly visible, strategically located “pods” where customers can bring in their internal organs and refill their precious bodily ink fluids.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged big box retailing, bubble wrap, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, ink, Leo Kahn, 用电脑科学免费上网, Post-it notes, Special fine paper, Staples |1 Comment
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Posted onAugust 15, 2011byJim Earl
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3George C. Ballas Sr., a Houston developer who invented the Weed Eater, is now being eaten by weeds.
Ballas soon began experimenting by poking holes in a tin can with fishing wire and attaching it to a rotary lawn edger. Seven maimed cats later, the “Pussy Eater” was born. But it wasn’t until someone suggested he use it on weeds that his invention really took off.
Mike Yurosek, the inventor of those peeled “baby” carrots used around the world by heroin addicts trying to kick the habit, died last week after chomping down on his own niblet.
It was in 1986 when Yurosek first perfected a way to take misshapen and broken carrots that would ordinarily be discarded, and basically make a huge fortune out of trash.
Many less-successful Yurosek innovations followed, including “Baby, Baby Peas,” “Zuchinni-Weenies,” and the puzzling “Mushroom-Shaped Mushrooms.”
Thanks to Yurosek, Americans today are eating a lot more carrots than their parents did. They’re also eating a lot more insect parts and rat droppings, so I guess things have a way of balancing themselves out.
Yurosek was an active volunteer at religious organizations and could often be seen whittling down a knobby, misshapen crucifix into bite-sized pieces.
The deceased requested his body be dismembered, shaped into 2-inch segments, and pumped through pipes into a peeling tank for final polishing.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Carrot, Collections and Indexes, Cooking, crucifix, Fruit and Vegetable, heroin, Home, 科技上网工具app下载, Snack food, United States |Leave a comment
From The Archives: Rebecca Webb Carranza, Inventor of the Tortilla Chip
Posted onAugust 1, 2011byJim Earl
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
Rebecca Web Carranza, acknowledged creator of the first tortilla chip, died of a heart attack last month when she accidentally ate a priceless plate of nachos in the shape of the Virgin Mary.
Witnesses say her body was found cracked and soggy, lying face down in a half-eaten bowl of picante sauce surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys too shy to leave the snack table to go mingle with the girls standing by the keg.
Relatives say there’s no truth to the rumor she died after breaking her hip on an unusually heavy chunk of guacamole.
Carranza’s Los Angeles tortilla shop was the favorite of many celebrities. Eddie “Rochester” Anderson, who played Jack Benny’s valet on radio and television, would often buy a bag of her chips and then swallow them whole to create his horribly painful voice.
Carranza requested her remains be stored in an airtight, plastic bag for freshness, until the time comes when she must be covered with cheese under a heat lamp.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Avocado, Eddie Rochester Anderson, Guacamole, Jack Benny, Los Angeles, Salsa (sauce), Snack food, Tortilla, Tortilla chip, Virgin Mary |Leave a comment
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John Barron, a Scotsman who over forty years ago invented the automated teller machine, is out of cash.
Witnesses say he died after an irate customer rammed a crowbar into his mouth-slot when he refused to dispense fifty dollars.
News of his death couldn’t be confirmed until four days after he was deposited at the morgue because the bank said they had to put a hold on his corpse.
Posted in 科技上网工具app下载 |Tagged Amsterdam, Automated teller machine, Business, Dead Sea, Financial services, haggis, Invention, 科技上网工具下载安装, Scotsman, semen, Tibet, Vending machine |Leave a comment
From The Archives: Susan Atkins, Born Again Christian
Posted onJuly 18, 2011byJim Earl
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
Susan Atkins, whose fame stems mainly from the fact that she’s not nearly as cute as Squeaky Fromme, is dead
Atkins lived a quiet, middle-class existence during her early years, singing in her church choir and helping out with numerous charity stabbings.
After running away from home, the teenage Atkins was fortunate enough to meet up with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who asked her to live with him at Spahn’s Ranch.
It was there that Jesus taught her the finer points of robbery, murder, and pitching songs to music executives.
Atkins bragged that at the crime scene she tasted the blood of Sharon Tate. But what she didn’t know was that Tex Watson secretly replaced the blood of Tate with that of coffee heiress Abigail Folger. And believe you me, she could tell the difference.
Relatives and loved-ones can console themselves with the thought that Susan is now up in heaven giving gonorrhea to Dennis Wilson.
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Posted in Uncategorized |Tagged Abigail Folger, Charles "Tex" Watson, Charlie Manson, Dennis Wilson, gonorrhea, 科技上网工具下载安装, Jesus Christ, 上网科学工具app下载, 科技上网工具app下载, Squeaky Fromme, Susan Atkins, Tex Watson |1 Comment
Frank Neuhauser, Winner Of The First National Spelling Bee
Posted onJuly 11, 2011byJim Earl
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3
Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first national spelling bee in 1925, is dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.
A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of Myelodysplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refuse to cure it.
First prize included a trip to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, where he quickly learned the word “boring.”
Since then, it’s been a tradition for contest winners to visit the president in office, including George W. Bush, who still insists “LMNOP” is one letter.
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Neuhauser requested his body be used in a sentence and buried within two minutes and thirty seconds.
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Posted in 用电脑科学免费上网 |Tagged Calvin Coolidge, Frank Neuhauser, George W. Bush, gladiolus, List of Scripps National Spelling Bee champions, Myelodysplastic syndrome, 用电脑科学免费上网, Scripps National Spelling Bee, United States, White House |Leave a comment
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“I will never apologize for the United States — I don’t care what the facts are.”
John McCain, the man who came close to giving Sarah Palin the presidency with one defective beat of his freeze-dried heart, just left a big, steaming bag of dog crap on America’s doorstep in the form of Donald Trump and the Tea Party.
My fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.
Nancy Reagan, the controlling, pill-popping child-beating matriarch of a sick, fucked-up family who regularly stole Valium and diuretics from each other; and proud wife to a president who once declared ketchup a vegetable before ultimately becoming one, is now dead of complications resulting from a “ruptured Gipper.” Or in medical terms: congestive heartless failure.
Jan Crouch, who 43 years ago co-founded the world’s largest Christian television network with nothing more than a pocket full of hope, hair resembling the helmet Rick Moranis wore is Spaceballs, and $30,000 in fraudulently secured donations, is now crouching sideways six-feet under a praying mantis.
Phyllis Schlafly, the conservative icon who proved by example that women can be huge assholes too, is now dead after doing all the damage she could possibly do in 92 years.
Ted Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after forty-five years of poorly imitating human life.
Roger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after learning Steve Doocy got to feel up Megyn Kelly without his permission.
Antonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes.
LaVoy Finicum, who once said he had no intention of spending any of his “days in a concrete box,” is now spending eternity in a pine one.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned motivational guru and one of the bestselling authors of all time, died Saturday after 75 tedious years of enduring his own bullshit.
Advertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick.
Darrell Winfield, one of the most recognizable Marlboro Men, primarily because he was the only one who lived long enough to get recognized, is dead after a prolonged illness that probably started 50 years ago.
Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky, brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months.
Camille Cosby, one of the few select females ever allowed to naturally fall asleep around her husband, is dead after collapsing face-down in a bowl of pudding and drowning in a sea of JELL-O
Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead.
John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased.
Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything.
Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who for 17 agonizing years revealed to the world the true nature behind most foreign film buffs, is now wearing a brown jumpsuit of dirt.
